Every now and then I think have a strike of writing genius or some thoughts that are actually profound vs. wannabes... Maybe it's just in my head. ;-) In any case - I wrote this a long time ago and, though my outlook is much more positive, it still speaks to me. Maybe it will speak to you too. And, more importantly, maybe you'll have some answers to these seemingly unanswerable questions....
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Wednesday, November 29, 2006
I have been dealing with relationship angst for quite some time and it has only gotten worse over the past couple of weeks. I am realizing how much love and lust can hurt people (on both sides of the coin) and it just all seems too complicated right now. If love conquers all, why does it fail so miserably most of the time?
It invariably takes the right time, right place, right person for this puzzle to come together in completion. However, why must we stumble along the way? Okay okay...I get why we must stumble -- we need to be able to appreciate the good once we do reach the point where infatuation meets destiny. But, why must me fall, smack on our faces, and be forced to pick ourselves up after being bruised and beaten and scraped up? Why do we have to continue with not only scars on our hands and knees, but our hearts? How does this make us better people, mates, lovers? Shakespeare said, "Ignorance is Bliss" so why do we go through the torture of these experiences only to come out hardened and colder on the other side? Shouldn't our naiveness be preserved so as to appreciate things for what they are actually worth, and not measure them against things that were inevitably worse? Does the pain we feel now really make the pleasure we feel later better?
It's hard for me to believe this knowing what decent people most of us are. I live my life, not perfectly of course, by a moral code that is fairly admirable and sound. So why must we experience the troubles of someone so much more evil and disheveled than us? I appreciate my luxuries and luck in life, so why can't I be trusted to appreciate the true, unconditional, "til-death-do-us-part" love my potential mate will provide without going through the lowest of the lows first?? It's asinine. It's unjust. It's, unfortunately, unanswerable.
But the question still remains: Do we come out better people on the other end...once it's all said and done? I don't know. Right now...I feel worse. I feel selfish and numb. I feel self-loathing. I feel a little hopeless. And this can't be the makings of love...because as we know all to well
"Love is patient, and love is kind, it is not jealous or prideful. love is not rude, it is not selfish, it is never angry, it is not happy with evil, love is not happy with lies, but rejoices in the truth. Love never gives up, love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." - 1st Corinthians 13
So, through my uninhibited, misdirected rant, all I can say is that I will continue to be a decent, moral human beingto the best of my ability. And, perhaps (if I am lucky), one day, my counterpart in this crazy, mixed-up, ironically backwards world will find me as I find him, and when this happens, I can only hope that the troubles along the way will pale to inconsequence.
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